Hard Pressed Between 2 Choices

Confession: as a pastor I sometimes feel pulled between the desire to do my own thing and the desire to do whatever "ministry" is in front of me. Surprised? I doubt it. It's a common tension we all face from time to time.

In Philippians 1:21-24 Paul says

"For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

To live in the flesh means fruitful labor for me,

yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.

I am hard pressed between the two.

My desire is to depart and be with Christ....

to remain...is more necessary on your account."  [ESV]

My desires are not always altruistic (unselfish) and I can find myself wanting what pleases me more than what I want for the benefit of others. My benefit or theirs? Both may arguably be good even, so what wins?

Selfish desires can run the gamut of a child wanting the biggest piece for themselves; a mother wanting time to herself; a desire to pursue a dream. I personally love to study, learn and create, but it's not always the time for me to do that. I have experienced times when it was more necessary for others that I (care for my family/minister to someones need/serve/partner with someone else's dream). To make such a choice isn't always easy, but in the light of another choice I've made, it is absolutely doable.

It's not always about me.

I settled that a long time ago when I gave my life to God, and it's something I continue in. Paul says it this way, "to live is Christ".  Think about that.

To live is Christ.

Paul continues on to say, "To live is fruitful labor for me". If I'm breathing, I will labor. A successful life takes work, my daddy taught me that, and slacking or giving up never wins a race, so run at life, work hard at it, train yourself to win and you'll succeed.

I love the honesty of Paul and how he is torn between his desire and what is necessary. Given, his desire seems more spiritual than a lot of mine do, but the lesson is on point for us all. Sometimes what is necessary for others trumps our own desires. Ultimately this is a Kingdom truth, the necessity of proclaiming Christ to all who'll hear, but it also digs into the soil of our pragmatic existence. What will govern my day? My desires? My path?

Paul chooses what is more necessary for others. He knowingly chooses, embraces even, self-denial and potential suffering that others might grow in their faith.

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with

you all, for your progress and joy in the faith,"

 (Philippians 1:25)

Heights to attain to. To live is Christ and that means fruitful labor for me.

Will I ever have my desires? I'm counting on it, even making room for it, but it remains willingly, joyfully, submitted to Christ. I trust Him with all the desires of my heart.

What desires do you feel pulled between?